Being a subject matter expert........

I have some thoughts on love, relationships and marriage, I have little experience with the first, almost none with the second and zero with the third. But this year we have a presidential race with both sides downplaying experience and running on values/positions so I figure what the heck. A couple things I have heard ruin relationships are the following:

1. Just trying to be happy in the relationship.

2. "Women are disappointed that the man hasn't changed and the man is disappointed the woman has."

3. Mistrust

Now the first one is actually pretty tricky. Everyone knows marriages fail because the couples aren't happy in the relationship. When things start to get a little tough people want to remedy it and a logical step is "I will do everything I can to make this work and be happy." Now I know there is a lot more going on than that but bear with me. People can make make the mistake that they are responsible for making themselves happy in the relationship. The big problem with the above solution is it leads to selfishness. I truly believe that in a marriage relationship your sole goal is the happiness of your spouse. This really only works when your spouse is also focused on your happiness so that with both of you trying to make the other one happy you are both happier than if you just worried about your own happiness. If this is not the case then by all means, you do need to watch your own interests but this is a very dangerous path. 1 Corinthians 7:4 is talking about a slightly different application but explains the principal very well.

I can't tell you how many times I have heard women talk about the chances of changing a man after marriage. The other day there was a discussion of the chances a a girl who is a member of my church marrying a non-member man and eventually converting him. I have heard this discussion many times and have often heard supporting opinions from people who are normally sensible. Think about: there is a major, core value that you do not like and think you can change it. You can not bank that your spouse will eventually change for you and can easily destroy your marriage. I heard a story from a friend who had been engaged to a wonderful woman for a long time and shortly before the wedding he was driving her home and was a few blocks from her apartment when she asked him to drop one of his hobbies (I don't know which one) and he pulled over, called the wedding off and gave her money for a cab. I think he may have saved himself a ton of grief, for all he knew she secretly had a list of things she was going to slowly push to "improve" him into the man she wanted.

Now men can have the opposite problem. I just John McCain would be a great example as his wife waited for him for six years while he was a POW in Vietnam and he came home and divorced her for a rich beauty queen.

One of the many reasons against premarital sex is the question of trust. If you had an intimate relationship before marriage your spouse knows you have and would have sex outside of marriage. If you had a marital affair with your current spouse while married to you last one then the problem is increased ten fold since now your spouse knows you have a record of cheating. I had a friend who was married and I don't know anything about their background. I knew him through a club and one time he mentioned he told her he was going to a meeting and would be back at 9. when he got back at 8:55 she was screaming at him because she thought he had said 8.........How fun.